Thursday, 9 September 2010


Codename: Tails - Us Superior Species, No-Tails - Humans, Koi - Yum!

I was chillaxing, snoozing and sunbathing on the wall outside the other day, and saw a van pull up outside nextdoor. The No-Tail driver dropped off a brand new delivery of juicy Koi for the No-Tail neighbour’s pond!
So me and some other Tail boyz, Garfield, Felix, Bagpuss and Rocky decided to plan a heist of the Koi! Purrrrr We decided to all meet in Felix shed to discuss the heist! It was all "Hush Hush" We even had a secret password "Purr, Meow, Purr, Meow" And we knocked on the shed door with our paws three times. Poor old Bagpuss got confused and nearly didn’t get let in because he knocked three times with each of his paws!

It was decided that I should be the one to carry out the heist, I eagerly put myself forward when we were deciding who should do it, I took one step forward, the others all took one step backwards. Well, all except for Rocky who’d had some catnip and fell over!

We spent hours planning every detail of the heist, Garfield took on the role of the planning manager in the kind of style of Captain Mainwaring from Dad’s Army, he even looks a bit like him, must be the glasses! We decided on a nine stage plan, as we knew we would remember nine as we have nine lives!

We drew up a map (See above) to help us plan our strategic manoeuvres, and for tips we even watched the DVD of "Ocean's Eleven" We decided we were quite like the "Rat Pack" Except we were cats of course, so named ourselves the "Cat Pack"

Here is how we got on!

Operation "FISHSWIPE" Day

My Er’Indoors got up and went to work, I’d only had 21 hours sleep so I decided to go back to bed for a while after I had my breakfast that Er’Indoors served me before she left.

Got up and met with the other members of the "Cat Pack" to finalise plans, unfortunately Captain Garfield had to drop out due to waking up covered in fleas, we didn’t want to jeopardise the heist by having him scratching all over the place, so Corporal Bagpuss took over as planning manager.

All of the other members of the "Cat Pack" went and got into their positions dotted around the gardens. I went and got the bait I keep especially for fishing, worms! No harm comes to the worms, I always reuse them again after a fishing expedition. I find they keep the freshest if I store them in Er’Indoors bottles of alcohol, she accidentally drunk one of the worms the other night that I’d been keeping in a bottle of her tequila, poor Wiggles!

I left the cat flap, signalled to the others by scratching on the backdoor as planned and headed for manoeuvre stage one of the heist.

Stage one: I stopped and spent a while preening myself, making a big show of licking my paws, just in case any No-Tails were watching, to throw them off the scent of what we were planning. All of the other "Cat Pack" did the same. Then I moved on to stage two.

Stage two: I headed for a cluster of flower pots, and was alarmed to see the local Avon lady heading in our direction dropping some books off, so I pretended to lay down and have a snooze, it wouldn’t look suspicious as it was a lovely sunny day and would be a quite normal thing for her to see a cat snoozing in the sunshine. All of the other "Cat Pack" followed my example and did the same.

Woke up!!! I accidentally fell asleep for hours, ooops! Well it was so lovely and sunny, with the birds twittering in the background, lovely! The other members of the "Cat Pack" slept too, we only woke up because a helicopter flew over and disturbed us! I then moved on to stage three.

Stage three: I rolled in some freshly mowed grass and dirt to add to my camouflage, any No-Tail watching wouldn’t have thought that was unusual at all, a very normal thing for us cats to do, Purrrrrrrr

Stage four: Was to climb up onto the shed and meet with Rocky, we pretended to hiss at each other for a bit to make it look like we were discussing territory issues, just in case any No-Tails were watching. We’ve had territory issues in the past, but have put it all behind us now due to going on us cat’s version of the Jeremy Kyle show.

Stage five: Jumped down from the shed and had another preen, then rolled in the grass and dirt again, all of the other "Cat Pack" also had another preen.

I had a chase of some pigeons, this actually wasn’t part of the operation plans, but they kept swooping at me, I couldn’t help myself! Pesky pigeons!

Stage six: I went under the fence linking my garden to the neighbour’s garden, Bagpuss and Garfield had scrapped a kind of tunnel under the fence during the night, they got the idea from watching the DVD of "The Great Escape" They took the dirt away by borrowing a dogs coat, making pockets in it and hiding the dirt in the pockets, then casually strutting along wearing the coats, releasing a little bit of dirt as they went.

Stage seven: Went and joined Felix and Bagpuss on the wall in the No-Tail neighbour’s garden, At that moment the Avon lady walked past again, so we decided to pretend to snooze again, it was still lovely and sunny, the other members of the "Cat Pack" did the same.

Woke up!!! We’d dropped off into a lovely, luxurious snooze again, we only woke up because the pesky pigeons started to swoop at us again! Headed for stage eight.

Stage eight: Jumped down from the wall, feeling very tense now, the final stage, stage nine of Operation "FISHSWIPE" was about to happen, I got my wiggly bait ready and headed for the pond, crawling low to the ground, stealth like!!!

Stage nine: ABORT!! ABORT!! Abandon operation….The fish pond was empty!!!! They must be cleaning the pond!!!!

Operation "FISHSWIPE" = Fail

Some music to listen to, which I had playing on my iPod during Operation "FISHSWIPE" Purrrrrrr

Sunday, 15 August 2010

The Mini No-Tail
Guide to blog - Tails - Us Superior Species! No-Tails - Humans!

My Owner/Servant Jules or Er'Indoors as I like to call her, had her friend round our house to visit the other day, she's quite a nice friend I suppose, for a No-Tail anyway! I call her Er'Outdoors, she tickles me under the chin and says I'm cute and fluffy! I already know that of course, but it's still nice to hear regularly!
Last time I saw Er'Outdoors she had a huge tummy, kinda like she'd stuffed my basket up her T-Shirt! She even had a name for her tummy, she called it "The Bump" What was even stranger was that she kept patting it, and even sang to it!?!? And I'm sure I saw it move!!! Must have had a bit too much catnip that day!
Even Er'Indoors patted it and showed Er'Outdoors a pair of pink booties she'd knitted for "The Bump" I found all of this very strange! I thought Er'Indoors had been knitting the booties for me! Really glad they weren't for me, I'd much prefer a couple of pairs of black leather boots, with sheep fur inside for warmth on a chilly night! I wonder if the reason why Er'Outdoors has "The Bump" Is because she eats loads of booties. Well she did eat lots of pickled onions dipped in custard on that visit, so who knows!
All they talked about on that visit was about due dates, water breaking, the nursery, pain relief, the Midwife, and a birthing pool! I've got no idea what any of that meant, I just busied myself preening and trying not to look at "The Bump" In case it moved again!
On previous visits they just used to chat about shoes, handbags, clothes, make-up, hair, dancing, music, cocktails, No-Tails called Guys, six packs, kissing and legsover! I understand about most of it, they have been friends for years, so I'm used to the girly chat!
I know never to respond when they ask "Does my bottom look big in this?" I don't want to risk another night out in the cold, or to be made to sleep on the sofa! I remember when I was late home once and my dinner was in the dog! Anyway as I said most of the usual chat I was used too, except for the leg over bit! Not sure what that meant, maybe a yoga position!
I hadn't seen Er'Outdoors for a couple of weeks, I thought maybe her tummy had got so big she couldn't get out the door anymore! I thought maybe Er'Indoors had gone to help her one afternoon, because she brought home loads of pink helium balloons, all tied together and said she was going to visit Er'Outdoors. I thought maybe she was going to tie them to Er'Outdoors and try and get her out of the roof or something!
On her latest visit I was most surprised to see that her tummy looked quite normal again! Wonder what happened to "The Bump" ?? Maybe it burst, like one of the helium balloons Er'Indoors brought home, that made me jump out of my fur! I was quite close to her when it happened and for some reason my meow sounded really highly pitched and strange for a few minutes! And Er'Indoors sounded like that No-Tail who won that Celebrity No-Tail Jungle thing, Joe Pasquale!
Instead of "The Bump" she brought this strange Mini No-Tail thing with her instead! It was dressed head to toe in a pink towelling suit kinda thing! The only time I've ever seen anything like what it was wearing before, was when I stayed at Er'Indoors No-Tail parents house & the oldie male No-Tail was wearing something very similar, it was white and the oldie female No-Tail called it Long Johns!
She also brought a huge, massive bag with her that seemed to contain the whole world! It took both Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors to carry the bag indoors! It was kinda like watching "The Worlds Strongest Man" trying to pull a lorry along! Us Tails have our own version of that, where we try and pull a lamp post over! Garfield's our local champion! He works out every morning, he's even got one them fitness DVDs, I think it's by one of them No-Tails who won Big Brother or something, can't remember their name, I've never seen them since!
Both Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors spent ages fussing over the Mini No-Tail, I've no idea why? It didn't do much! It just laid there snoozing, making strange gurgling and slurping noises! I've no idea what it had been eating, maybe pickled onions like Er'Outdoors because it kept making other strange noises! Er'Outdoors called it wind! Must remember never to eat pickled onions!
The Mini No-Tail didn't say much, in fact it didn't say anything at all! I thought it was going to speak but it just opened it's mouth and bubbles came out of it! Maybe it's a new type of bubble blowing machine! Maybe Er'Outdoors can hire it out for entertainment at weddings or parties!
I thought I'd go over for a little sniff, I really wish I hadn't!! It was the biggest mistake of my nine lives so far! As I casually strolled over, the Mini No-Tail went bright red and backfired like a car! I couldn't work out what was happening! It made a sort of grunting noise, I thought it might be laying an egg like one of them Chickens, I expected it to say "Cocka-doodle-doo" But it didn't, it said"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Er'Outdoors got loads of things out of her massive bag, a bowl, cotton wool, soap, talc, some sort of paper thing, she called it a nappy! Er'Indoors filled the bowl with water and then Er'Outdoors took the Mini No-Tails Long Johns off, and then took off one of them paper nappy things like she'd got out her bag. It was at that point I passed out! It was horrible! I don't think I'll ever forget the aroma, and I'll never eat scrambled egg again!
I decided to go upstairs for a snooze after that, I was still feeling queasy! As I left the room Er'Outdoors was putting a bottle of milk in the Mini No-Tails mouth, normally I'd have quite liked some myself, but I didn't feel like any food or drink for hours, even if next door had invited me to fish in their pond and provided bait and a fishing rod I wouldn't have been interested!
I had a lovely rest, the Mini No-Tail must have snoozed after the milk, I decided to risk going back downstairs, my legs still felt a bit wobbly though! I settled myself in my basket, keeping a healthy distance from the Mini No-Tail in case it backfired again. I decided it was best to keep one eye open and one leg out of the basket in case I needed to make a quick exit, I was ready to scarper if the Mini No-Tail made the slightest noise or changed colour again!
I could hear Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors chatting about birth plans, gas & air and epidurals, I wondered if the gas & air discussion was anything to do with the Mini No-Tail backfiring! I decided I'd better watch the local news that evening to see if they were reporting about a gas leak in the area, I really hoped it wouldn't show me passing out! How embarrassing would that be with all the other Tails in the area maybe watching it!
I still remember when Felix was stuck up a tree and it was on the local news! Every Tail in area knew about it! And he still gets called Twiggy! I don't want to be known as Gassy!
It took them ages to pack up the massive bag when they were leaving, Er'Indoors helped Er'Outdoors carry the bag out to the car, then she waved them off! The only thing was Er'Outdoors had to come back because she'd forgotten the Mini No-Tail!
Good job I was around! I'd been left alone with the Mini No-Tail when they took the bag out to the car and were waving goodbye, the Mini No- Tail suddenly made a popping sort of noise, so I scarpered and bumped into Er'Indoors at the front door! She suddenly realised the Mini No-Tail was still there and called Er'Outdoors on that plastic thing she calls a mobile.
They both gave me lots of strokes and fuss saying I was so clever to let them know the Mini No-Tail was still there, the thing is I just wanted to get as far away as possible from it in case it backfired again! But I did enjoy the salmon for my tea Er'Indoors gave me as a treat for letting them know.
Next time Er'Outdoors and the Mini No-Tail visit I'll make sure I'm out!!!!
Time for a snooze now! Purrrrrrrrrrr
Meow for now! Mr Tigs =^.,.^=
If you'd like to chat it's @TheRealMrTigs
A couple of songs that remind me of that day:
Baby Sittin' Boogie:
That Smell:
And for you No-Tails who may not know who Joe Pasquale is: My kinda humour...Purrrrrr!

Monday, 26 July 2010

Mr Tigs Fantabulous FISHY FEAST Smoothie Recipe

  • 1 Salmon
  • 1 Can of Tuna
  • 2 Juicy Sardines
  • 2 tbsp of Beluga Caviar
  • 200ml Jersey Full Cream Milk
  • 1 Large Pinch of Catnip
  • 1 Large Handful of Freshly Mowed Lawn
  • Ice (If you wish, fish shaped would be preferable)


Note about Ingredients

Salmon: It should be wild caught from Alaska & The Pacific Northwest. These Salmon have a superior flavour and texture because of their diets and annual migration in the deep icy clean water! Purrrrrrrrr!

Tuna: After extensive research I've found 'Orlitz Bonito Del Norte' the best kind of Tuna! It's line caught off of the coast of Spain, and so tasty it can be eaten directly out of the jar! (I usually do anyway, why waste time spooning it into a bowl!) It has a delicate flaky texture and is a bargain at only £10 a jar! Yummylicious!

Sardines: Fresh from Sardinia are the best I find, better than that canned sprat stuff anyway! Remember to check their eyes!!! As with all fish you can tell a lot about a fish from it's eyes! Eg.... Are their eyes glazed over? If so steer clear!!! They may have been out on the booze!

Helpful Information

Before you begin making the Smoothie don't forget to lick your paws if you are a Tail (Non Human type, the superior species!) If you are a No-Tail (Ordinary Human type) Don't forget to wash your hands! Put on an apron and a Chefs hat, mine is gold because I'm the King of the Tail Cat Chefs.......Purrrrrrrrr!


Instructions for making the Smoothie

Step 1) Bung all of the ingredients into the Smoothie machines cup thingy and turn the dial to the slowest speed (Don't forget to throw a handful of Catnip over your shoulder for good luck!)

Step 2) When the mixture looks a bit mashed up and mushy turn the dial to the fastest speed (This doesn't do much to the mixture, but it's fun!)

Step 3) When you're happy with the blend, pour the mixture into the finest porcelain bowl, or alternatively just drink it straight out of the cup thingy!


You don't have to stand watching it all whizzing around in the Smoothie machine, you could look out of the window instead! There might be some birds or wildlife providing some entertainment for you! Don't get sidetracked and forget all about the Smoothie you're making like I did once! I went to try and catch a bird and burnt out the motor of the Smoothie machine because I left it mixing for hours, didn't catch the pesky bird either!

This Smoothie is ideal after a night out on the tiles, better than a kebab anyway! If you don't have the actual ingredients I've suggested, you could nip over the fence to a neighbours garden if they have a fish pond, and freshly catch some fish yourself! I often do it on the way home from a night out with the other Tail boyz!
Mr Tigs =^.,.^= Purrrrrrrr!
Here's a song to play while you are making Smoothies:

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Summer by Mr Tigs

"A Cats Tail"

Key To Blog:
Tails - Us superior species.
No-Tails - Humans.
Well I suppose I ought to update this blog, me owner....Or Er'Indoors as I call her has been busy working lately, I've got no idea what working actually means, I prefer the word snooze!

So what's happened since last time, well we've had Easter. Er'Indoors went crazy as usual bringing Creme Eggs home! I'm not a fan of them myself, they make my whiskers too sticky! I sneaked one out of the cupboard once to see what all the fuss is about, it took me ages to unwrap it! Then by the time I'd licked all the chocolate off I'd gone off the idea! I felt queasy for days after eating all that gooey stuff...Yuck!

I didn't see anything of the Easter Bunny this year! Rumour amongst the local Tails is that he got married to the Cadbury Caramel Bunny, maybe they were on their Bunnymoon! I hear Pawtugal is a good choice for Easter.

All Er'Indoors seems to have had on the TV this summer is balls! Tennis, Wimbers I think it's called, The World Cup and The Thunderball lottery! I think it's a way to win cash or something, Er'Indoors never wins, don't know why she bothers! Of course I know the winning combination of numbers every week, but I'm too busy snoozing to do the lottery myself, anyway I don't need the cash, cause Er'Indoors caters for my every need, well almost, next doors fish pond helps too!

So back to Wimbers, an interesting game, I've no idea why they spend so long hitting the ball back and forth to each other???....They should just catch it! Why knock away a perfectly good ball filled with catnip...Strange No-Tail behaviour!

I see they had the Queen of the No-Tails, Elizabeth the 2nd at Wimbers this year, she didn't join in though! She could have knocked the ball around with her handbag instead of the giant wooden sieve thing the other No-Tails were using! I don't think our Queen of the Tails, Elickabeth the 10th was invited to go this year, she would have been too busy anyway, I heard she was the guest of honour at the opening of a wheelie bin in Covent Garden that day!

I was expecting to see Wombles at Wimbers, good ole Uncle Bulgaria...Common is he! He always makes good use of the things that he finds, wonder if he found the players sweatbands or the Queen of the No-Tails hat? They all threw them into the crowd at the end of the match! It's the umpire I feel sorry for! He's always asking for "New balls" I know how he feels! I had the operation myself a while back!

As for the World Cup, I suppose the England team tried, tried to let the other teams win anyway! The No-Tails went crazy around here for a couple of weeks, they put loads of flags out, even on their metal things on wheels....Cars I think the No-tails call them! They even wore the flag on their T-shirt! One lot of No-Tails even had a Gazebo with the flag on it, I noticed when England got knocked out they turned the Gazebo inside out! Most of the No-Tails moved outside during the World Cup, they even cooked out there, I didn't manage to grab anything off their BBQ's not a sausage!

They even had music outside, karaoke I think it's called, even I know the words to the New Order song "World In Motion" I do a great version of John Barnes rap! As for them vuvuzelas, or vuvustickitwherethesundon'tshiners....Noisy things! Every time I was trying to get some snooze time someone blew one! Made me jump out of my fur!

Us Tails have a World Cup, we practice all year round, rain or shine, even if it's raining Cats and Dogs! I'm in a team with Felix, he thinks he's Ronaldo, he's even learnt Pawtuguese! Garfield is the Rooney of the team, he got a red card for snoozing on the pitch! We have WAGs too, some of them come to watch us practice, the others are too busy having Pediclaws or lunch at The Ivy's bins.

Summer is a great time of the year, great for snoozing, No-Tails dropping Ice cream on the floor for us to lick up (They never see us trip them up, we're too quick) And the fish in next doors pond are always at a nice temperature! But I don't understand some of the No-Tails behaviour! Like why do they wear half a pair of trousers? Why cut them off above the knee? And what do they do with the leftover bit? Make a hat or something maybe? I should sport the same look with the fur on my legs, either sell the leftover fur or make a jumper for Winter! Well them Sheep seem to get away with it!

And why do No-Tails cover themselves in cream? Am I supposed to lick it off? I love a bit of cream me, especially that Jersey stuff! I don't know what they feed them Cows, but wayyyyyy hayyyyyyy, it's yummylicious! Er'Indoors smothers herself in cream & smells like a coconut....Strange behaviour if you ask me! And I dread to think what they feed the Cows her cream comes from!

Well it's snooze time for me, I'll leave you with a couple of songs, hope you enjoy!
If you'd like to chat it's @TheRealMrTigs
CATcha Laters!!!
Mr Tigs =^.,.^= Purrrrrrrrs!

Me mates the Wombles at Wimbers .
The Rap (Sorry Barnesy my version's better...Purrrrrr!)

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Purrrrrrr Time for a blog from me, seeing as 'er indoors is sooooo busy! It's been a while since I've been able to get my paws on the computer! I'd better start with Christmas and New year!
I had a great Christmas, lots of catnip & I snoozed for most of "THE DAY" itself! I did decide to have a sniff around the kitchen at dinner time, managed to have a little lick of the turkey, I still don't think Jules knows about that! Haha! Meow!
Jules thought she would try to stop me eating the Christmas tree this year by buying one of those pretend ones! I love a good old snack on a pine tree, but I have to say after sampling the artificial one I'm converted, YUM! I had the boyz round for a game of bauble football too, Garfield thinks he's the Ronaldo of bauble footie! Felix got sent off for a tackle on Bagpuss!
Of course I heard Father Christmas arriving, he caught me in the act!! I was drinking the milk & nibbling the mince pies Jules had left out for him, he's a nice jolly man, just said Ho! Ho! Ho! and mumbled something about me doing him a favour as he was fed up with mince pies, he prefers French Fancies, I wonder if Mother Christmas knows....?
I really don't understand Boxing day, I got the boxing gloves on ready, practiced me moves for weeks, even drank energy drinks! But Jules wasn't having any of it! It seems boxing day doesn't mean that at all!! It was just another Christmas day, with different people, the same turkey and The Sound of Music!.......Us cats version "The Sound Of Meowsic" is much better! I'd love to play the leading role, Captain Von Catflap!
New Years Eve was fun! I went to a party in Felix shed, he had a nice buffet, that included fish from next doors pond and he sneaked a pint of full cream milk from No 42's doorstep. We danced the night away to "Love Cats" by The Cure I think someone might have laced the milk with some catnip, either that or Bagpuss has learnt his dance moves from watching Riverdance!
My New Years Resolutions! 1) Sleep more 2) Eat more 3) Repeat No's 1 & 2 often 4) Try and get a date with Sheba, she's a feisty feline that one! 4) Tweet more! @TheRealMrTigs
I think 'er indoors is coming back, i'd better scarper! That's all for now folks! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Purrrrrrr!