The Mini No-Tail
Guide to blog - Tails - Us Superior Species! No-Tails - Humans!
My Owner/Servant Jules or Er'Indoors as I like to call her, had her friend round our house to visit the other day, she's quite a nice friend I suppose, for a No-Tail anyway! I call her Er'Outdoors, she tickles me under the chin and says I'm cute and fluffy! I already know that of course, but it's still nice to hear regularly!
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Last time I saw Er'Outdoors she had a huge tummy, kinda like she'd stuffed my basket up her T-Shirt! She even had a name for her tummy, she called it "The Bump" What was even stranger was that she kept patting it, and even sang to it!?!? And I'm sure I saw it move!!! Must have had a bit too much catnip that day!
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Even Er'Indoors patted it and showed Er'Outdoors a pair of pink booties she'd knitted for "The Bump" I found all of this very strange! I thought Er'Indoors had been knitting the booties for me! Really glad they weren't for me, I'd much prefer a couple of pairs of black leather boots, with sheep fur inside for warmth on a chilly night! I wonder if the reason why Er'Outdoors has "The Bump" Is because she eats loads of booties. Well she did eat lots of pickled onions dipped in custard on that visit, so who knows!
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All they talked about on that visit was about due dates, water breaking, the nursery, pain relief, the Midwife, and a birthing pool! I've got no idea what any of that meant, I just busied myself preening and trying not to look at "The Bump" In case it moved again!
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On previous visits they just used to chat about shoes, handbags, clothes, make-up, hair, dancing, music, cocktails, No-Tails called Guys, six packs, kissing and legsover! I understand about most of it, they have been friends for years, so I'm used to the girly chat!
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I know never to respond when they ask "Does my bottom look big in this?" I don't want to risk another night out in the cold, or to be made to sleep on the sofa! I remember when I was late home once and my dinner was in the dog! Anyway as I said most of the usual chat I was used too, except for the leg over bit! Not sure what that meant, maybe a yoga position!
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I hadn't seen Er'Outdoors for a couple of weeks, I thought maybe her tummy had got so big she couldn't get out the door anymore! I thought maybe Er'Indoors had gone to help her one afternoon, because she brought home loads of pink helium balloons, all tied together and said she was going to visit Er'Outdoors. I thought maybe she was going to tie them to Er'Outdoors and try and get her out of the roof or something!
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On her latest visit I was most surprised to see that her tummy looked quite normal again! Wonder what happened to "The Bump" ?? Maybe it burst, like one of the helium balloons Er'Indoors brought home, that made me jump out of my fur! I was quite close to her when it happened and for some reason my meow sounded really highly pitched and strange for a few minutes! And Er'Indoors sounded like that No-Tail who won that Celebrity No-Tail Jungle thing, Joe Pasquale!
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Instead of "The Bump" she brought this strange Mini No-Tail thing with her instead! It was dressed head to toe in a pink towelling suit kinda thing! The only time I've ever seen anything like what it was wearing before, was when I stayed at Er'Indoors No-Tail parents house & the oldie male No-Tail was wearing something very similar, it was white and the oldie female No-Tail called it Long Johns!
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She also brought a huge, massive bag with her that seemed to contain the whole world! It took both Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors to carry the bag indoors! It was kinda like watching "The Worlds Strongest Man" trying to pull a lorry along! Us Tails have our own version of that, where we try and pull a lamp post over! Garfield's our local champion! He works out every morning, he's even got one them fitness DVDs, I think it's by one of them No-Tails who won Big Brother or something, can't remember their name, I've never seen them since!
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Both Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors spent ages fussing over the Mini No-Tail, I've no idea why? It didn't do much! It just laid there snoozing, making strange gurgling and slurping noises! I've no idea what it had been eating, maybe pickled onions like Er'Outdoors because it kept making other strange noises! Er'Outdoors called it wind! Must remember never to eat pickled onions!
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The Mini No-Tail didn't say much, in fact it didn't say anything at all! I thought it was going to speak but it just opened it's mouth and bubbles came out of it! Maybe it's a new type of bubble blowing machine! Maybe Er'Outdoors can hire it out for entertainment at weddings or parties!
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I thought I'd go over for a little sniff, I really wish I hadn't!! It was the biggest mistake of my nine lives so far! As I casually strolled over, the Mini No-Tail went bright red and backfired like a car! I couldn't work out what was happening! It made a sort of grunting noise, I thought it might be laying an egg like one of them Chickens, I expected it to say "Cocka-doodle-doo" But it didn't, it said"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
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Er'Outdoors got loads of things out of her massive bag, a bowl, cotton wool, soap, talc, some sort of paper thing, she called it a nappy! Er'Indoors filled the bowl with water and then Er'Outdoors took the Mini No-Tails Long Johns off, and then took off one of them paper nappy things like she'd got out her bag. It was at that point I passed out! It was horrible! I don't think I'll ever forget the aroma, and I'll never eat scrambled egg again!
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I decided to go upstairs for a snooze after that, I was still feeling queasy! As I left the room Er'Outdoors was putting a bottle of milk in the Mini No-Tails mouth, normally I'd have quite liked some myself, but I didn't feel like any food or drink for hours, even if next door had invited me to fish in their pond and provided bait and a fishing rod I wouldn't have been interested!
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I had a lovely rest, the Mini No-Tail must have snoozed after the milk, I decided to risk going back downstairs, my legs still felt a bit wobbly though! I settled myself in my basket, keeping a healthy distance from the Mini No-Tail in case it backfired again. I decided it was best to keep one eye open and one leg out of the basket in case I needed to make a quick exit, I was ready to scarper if the Mini No-Tail made the slightest noise or changed colour again!
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I could hear Er'Indoors and Er'Outdoors chatting about birth plans, gas & air and epidurals, I wondered if the gas & air discussion was anything to do with the Mini No-Tail backfiring! I decided I'd better watch the local news that evening to see if they were reporting about a gas leak in the area, I really hoped it wouldn't show me passing out! How embarrassing would that be with all the other Tails in the area maybe watching it!
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I still remember when Felix was stuck up a tree and it was on the local news! Every Tail in area knew about it! And he still gets called Twiggy! I don't want to be known as Gassy!
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It took them ages to pack up the massive bag when they were leaving, Er'Indoors helped Er'Outdoors carry the bag out to the car, then she waved them off! The only thing was Er'Outdoors had to come back because she'd forgotten the Mini No-Tail!
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Good job I was around! I'd been left alone with the Mini No-Tail when they took the bag out to the car and were waving goodbye, the Mini No- Tail suddenly made a popping sort of noise, so I scarpered and bumped into Er'Indoors at the front door! She suddenly realised the Mini No-Tail was still there and called Er'Outdoors on that plastic thing she calls a mobile.
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They both gave me lots of strokes and fuss saying I was so clever to let them know the Mini No-Tail was still there, the thing is I just wanted to get as far away as possible from it in case it backfired again! But I did enjoy the salmon for my tea Er'Indoors gave me as a treat for letting them know.
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Next time Er'Outdoors and the Mini No-Tail visit I'll make sure I'm out!!!!
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Time for a snooze now! Purrrrrrrrrrr
Meow for now! Mr Tigs =^.,.^=
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If you'd like to chat it's @TheRealMrTigs
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A couple of songs that remind me of that day:
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And for you No-Tails who may not know who Joe Pasquale is: http://bit.ly/bV5Rfe- My kinda humour...Purrrrrr!
